My Twenty Week Journey

The road to the halfway point has been filled with mostly clear skies but a few bumps along the way. I should preface this post with one very clear but obvious statement: I do not know everything. There are a few details in this post that I was reluctant to share out of fear that I may offend someone or that my lack of knowledge on certain topics could cause some eye rolls on the receiving end. However, when I decided to share my journey on this blog, I committed to telling my story honestly and truthfully. More than anything, this serves as a space for my sister and I to express our feelings no matter what they may be. So I ask you to be patient and understand that this is my story, my journey, my truth. 

Patience. 

If there is one thing that this pregnancy is teaching me it is that I cannot control everything. Patience is key. That lesson became abundantly clear very early on and has been a constant message from God each step of the way.

When we got the call on March 26^th, 2014 confirming that I was in fact pregnant, we were elated. I could finally breathe again knowing that there was in fact a little baby growing inside of me. But with that happiness was an immense fear like I had never felt before. The 12-week wait to the “safe zone” was torture yet therapeutic. I was incredibly thankful and excited to be pregnant, yet I was fearful that something would happen to take that blessing away. I am a planner by nature, constantly looking ahead at what’s to come. Something strange happened when I learned I was pregnant. I stopped looking at the future and became very present in my day to day life. Each and every morning that I woke up with this life still growing inside of me I was thankful. Every time I went to use the bathroom I prayed and every time I left the bathroom I thanked God that the little life was still within me. That may sound crazy, but it was my reality. I wish I could’ve been one of those women who become pregnant and shout it from the rooftops without fear, but that wasn't the case for me. I was overwhelmed by the sad fact that many pregnancies end in miscarriage. My relationship with Dr. Google didn’t help with this anxiety, and I spent countless hours researching each twinge, cramp, and even lack of symptoms at times. It was exhausting.

When I was 6 weeks pregnant, I was scheduled to come in for an ultrasound to see if my pregnancy was viable. My husband and I were thrilled to see our little peanut for the very first time but also terrified that something could be wrong. When the nurse practitioner began the ultrasound we were in awe of how tiny our baby was and that our love could create something so amazing. But then the nurse practitioner said, “I can’t find the heartbeat.” She followed that statement with some words meant to comfort me about how early it was and blah, blah, blah but I didn’t hear any of it. I was devastated and nervous. A 2^nd appointment was made for 2 weeks later and there was absolutely nothing I could do to change what the outcome would be. I have always been a very spiritual person, and in those next two weeks and every day since I’ve prayed more than I ever have in my whole life. My husband and I leaned on each other for support and he reminded me each day to trust in God and that no matter what we would be okay. I knew this was true, but I was so worried about the pain that would come from losing the dream of this baby. I have witnessed friends go through loss early and late in pregnancy, and I was scared that I wasn't strong enough to go through it myself. But God doesn't give you more than you can handle. And I had to trust that if the fate of this pregnancy was a loss, God would equip me with whatever I would need to get through and come through stronger.

Two weeks later we saw the flicker of our baby’s heartbeat for the very first time. It was the most beautiful sight we had ever seen and our hearts were filled with relief, hope and gratitude. We knew we weren't out of the woods yet, but we were thankful for that moment.

After seeing the heartbeat, we could not wait to share the news with our families! We decided to tell my family on my father’s birthday and my in-laws on Mother’s Day. Seeing their reactions and feeling their love and support are some of our favorite memories of this journey. They were overjoyed, and we were relieved to finally have this secret out in the open. It would still be a few weeks before we shared the news with the rest of our friends and loved ones, but we soaked up that intimate time with our family talking about our hopes, dreams and plans for our child. Aside from exhaustion, I felt great!  Everything was beginning to feel less scary and I was finally starting to truly believe that there would be a real baby in my arms at the end of this. 

My best friend once told me that the worry never goes away with pregnancy. Even when you think you've made it to the so-called safe zone, there is still so much left to worry about. Well, that was about to ring true for us.  We reached the 12-week point right before our 1-year wedding anniversary and decided that it would be a wonderful day to share our happy news. We received an overwhelming outpouring of love and support from friends and extended family. It was a celebratory time and we were on cloud nine. Two days after our anniversary, we went into see our midwife for a routine prenatal checkup. She revealed that she had the results of our Panorama Test and cystic fibrosis test. We knew that meant that she also had the sex of our baby, which we quickly asked her to place in an envelope for us to unveil on our own. Thank God for that decision. Moments later she began explaining the results of the Panorama test and whether our child was low or high risk for certain chromosomal abnormalities. Fortunately all of those tests came back in our favor. However, she then told me that my other blood test indicated that I am a carrier of cystic fibrosis. She explained that we would need further testing because, in her words, it can be a very devastating disease. My husband would need to be tested as a carrier and if he was one as well, our child would have a ¼ chance of being born with cystic fibrosis. If he wasn’t a carrier then our child’s chances of being born with the condition were very small. However, our child can still carry the gene since I myself carry it and can pass it on. I didn’t know much of anything about the disease, but the word devastating was enough to put my heart in my stomach and take my breath away. We were terrified.

After hearing the results of my cystic fibrosis screening, I made the conscious decision to not research the disease online. I couldn't bear to put myself through that stress without knowing yet if my husband was a carrier. I know it may not make sense to everyone else that  I was scared of something that I know so little about, but I was. To give myself peace of mind, I couldn't allow myself to dig deeper and obsess over something that may not affect our baby. My husband and I know that each and every child is a gift and we are committed to caring for and loving any gift that God gives us. It took 7 days for my husband’s test to come back, and I put everything in God’s hands including my worries during those 7 days. I knew I had to be patient and trust in Him.

I remember looking down at my phone and seeing I had a voice-mail from my doctor’s office. I was anxious to hear the results and know our potential fate. I took a deep breath and pressed play. The next words I heard were…

“Your husband is NOT a carrier of cystic fibrosis.”

I gave a sigh of relief.  My husband must have gotten the message one minute later because he called me immediately and together we thanked God over and over again. This was surely not the last scare we will have as parents. We know that God is looking over our family and no matter what happens in our lives, we will be equipped to handle it with the support of our loved ones. Parents are faced with news like this every day, and much bigger hurdles and devastation than we can even imagine. I know that we were extremely fortunate to have the outcome that we did. But at the end of the day, when it is your own child it doesn't matter how big or small the hurdle may seem to the outside world, to you as parents it is everything. This was the first time as parents that my husband and I had to face the fact that there was a chance that our innocent child may have to face something very difficult. With that awareness, we also realized that scares can happen at any point in their lives. The reality and terrifying truth of the world is that at any given moment you can be injured, fall ill or lose a loved one. Our child is entering this world, and we as parents have to teach them about life- the good and the bad.

I am now beginning my 20^th week of pregnancy, and the past 7 weeks have been wonderfully peaceful. I have begun feeling my daughter dance in my belly and it is the most incredible feeling in the world. Every time she kicks me, I squeal “She’s so cute!!” Last week we got to see her for the first time since we first saw her heartbeat. We can’t believe how much she has grown! She is this little human now with 10 fingers and 10 toes, little lips and the longest legs which she likes to stretch out over her head. We are totally head over heels in love with our little girl. 

Since seeing the tiny flicker of my daughter’s beating heart I have often thought to myself, I can’t believe I am able to do this… I can’t believe my body knows how to do this. Carrying a child is the most powerful feeling I have ever felt. I am very aware that not every woman is able to experience this, and I am eternally grateful that my body has brought me to this point. My sweet little girl is my constant reminder that even when I think I am having a bad day, it is really my best day yet because we made it this far. I am so blessed and the happiest that I have ever been in my entire life. To know that in 20 weeks there will be this little girl who will be a reflection of my husband and I and a product of our love is mind-blowing. I know there is plenty still to learn on this journey, but I am enjoying  this moment and the moments that have brought me to my halfway point.  So although I can’t wait to meet our baby girl, the wait will get more and more beautiful each day.  

XO Krista