The road to the halfway point has been filled with mostly clear skies but a few bumps along the way. I should preface this post with one very clear
but obvious statement: I do not know everything. There are a few details in
this post that I was reluctant to share out of fear that I may offend someone
or that my lack of knowledge on certain topics could cause some eye rolls on
the receiving end. However, when I decided to share my journey on this blog, I
committed to telling my story honestly and truthfully. More than anything, this
serves as a space for my sister and I to express our feelings no matter what
they may be. So I ask you to be patient and understand that this is my story,
my journey, my truth.
Patience.
If there is one thing that this pregnancy is teaching me it is
that I cannot control everything. Patience is key. That lesson became abundantly clear
very early on and has been a constant message from God each step of the way.
When we got the call on March 26th, 2014 confirming
that I was in fact pregnant, we were elated. I could finally breathe again
knowing that there was in fact a little baby growing inside of me. But with
that happiness was an immense fear like I had never felt before. The 12-week
wait to the “safe zone” was torture yet therapeutic. I was incredibly thankful
and excited to be pregnant, yet I was fearful that something would happen to
take that blessing away. I am a planner by nature, constantly looking ahead at
what’s to come. Something strange happened when I learned I was pregnant. I
stopped looking at the future and became very present in my day to day life.
Each and every morning that I woke up with this life still growing inside of me
I was thankful. Every time I went to use the bathroom I prayed and every time I left the bathroom I thanked God that the little life was still within me. That may
sound crazy, but it was my reality. I wish I could’ve been one of those women
who become pregnant and shout it from the rooftops without fear, but that wasn't the case for me. I was overwhelmed by the sad fact that many pregnancies end in miscarriage. My relationship with Dr. Google didn’t help with this anxiety, and I
spent countless hours researching each twinge, cramp, and even lack of symptoms
at times. It was exhausting.
When I was 6 weeks pregnant, I was scheduled to come
in for an ultrasound to see if my pregnancy was viable. My husband and I were
thrilled to see our little peanut for the very first time but also terrified
that something could be wrong. When the nurse practitioner began the ultrasound
we were in awe of how tiny our baby was and that our love could create
something so amazing. But then the nurse practitioner said, “I can’t find the
heartbeat.” She followed that statement with some words meant to comfort me
about how early it was and blah, blah, blah but I didn’t hear any of it. I was
devastated and nervous. A 2nd appointment was made for 2 weeks
later and there was absolutely
nothing I could do to change what the outcome would be. I have always
been a very spiritual person, and in those next two weeks and every day since I’ve
prayed more than I ever have in my whole life. My husband and I leaned on each
other for support and he reminded me each day to trust in God and that no
matter what we would be okay. I knew this was true, but I was so worried about
the pain that would come from losing the dream of this baby. I have witnessed
friends go through loss early and late in pregnancy, and I was scared that I wasn't strong enough to go through it myself. But God doesn't give you more than you can handle. And I had to trust that if the fate of this pregnancy was
a loss, God would equip me with whatever I would need to get through and
come through stronger.
Two weeks later we saw the flicker of our baby’s heartbeat for
the very first time. It was the most beautiful sight we had ever seen and our
hearts were filled with relief, hope and gratitude. We knew we weren't out of
the woods yet, but we were thankful for that moment.
After seeing the heartbeat, we could not wait to share the news
with our families! We decided to tell my family on my father’s birthday and my in-laws
on Mother’s Day. Seeing their reactions and feeling their love and support are
some of our favorite memories of this journey. They were overjoyed, and we were relieved to
finally have this secret out in the open. It would still be a few weeks before
we shared the news with the rest of our friends and loved ones, but we soaked
up that intimate time with our family talking about our hopes, dreams and
plans for our child. Aside from exhaustion, I felt great! Everything was beginning to feel less scary and I was finally
starting to truly believe that there would be a real baby in my arms at the end
of this.
My best friend once told me that the worry never goes away with
pregnancy. Even when you think you've made it to the so-called safe zone, there
is still so much left to worry about. Well, that was about to ring true for us.
We reached the 12-week point right
before our 1-year wedding anniversary and decided that it would be a wonderful
day to share our happy news. We received an overwhelming outpouring of love and
support from friends and extended family. It was a celebratory time and we were
on cloud nine. Two days after our anniversary, we went into see our midwife for
a routine prenatal checkup. She revealed that she had the results of our Panorama
Test and cystic fibrosis test. We knew that meant that she also had the sex of
our baby, which we quickly asked her to place in an envelope for us to unveil
on our own. Thank God for that decision. Moments later she began explaining the
results of the Panorama test and whether our child was low or high risk for
certain chromosomal abnormalities. Fortunately all of those tests came back in
our favor. However, she then told me that my other blood test indicated that
I am a carrier of cystic fibrosis. She explained that we would need further
testing because, in her words, it can be a very devastating disease. My husband
would need to be tested as a carrier and if he was one as well, our child would
have a ¼ chance of being born with cystic fibrosis. If he wasn’t a carrier then
our child’s chances of being born with the condition were very small. However, our child can still carry the gene since I myself carry it and can pass it on. I
didn’t know much of anything about the disease, but the word devastating was
enough to put my heart in my stomach and take my breath away. We were
terrified.
After hearing the results of my cystic fibrosis screening, I made the conscious decision to not research the disease online. I couldn't bear to
put myself through that stress without knowing yet if my husband was a carrier.
I know it may not make sense to everyone else that I was scared of something that I know so little
about, but I was. To give myself peace of mind, I couldn't allow myself
to dig deeper and obsess over something that may not affect our baby. My husband and I know that each and every child is a gift and we
are committed to caring for and loving any gift that God gives us. It took 7 days for my husband’s test to come back, and I put everything in God’s
hands including my worries during those 7 days. I knew I had to be patient and
trust in Him.
I remember looking down
at my phone and seeing I had a voice-mail from my doctor’s office. I was anxious
to hear the results and know our potential fate. I took a deep breath and
pressed play. The next words I heard were…
“Your husband is NOT a
carrier of cystic fibrosis.”
I gave a sigh of
relief. My husband must have gotten the message
one minute later because he called me immediately and together we thanked God
over and over again. This was surely not the last scare we
will have as parents. We know that God is looking over our family and no matter
what happens in our lives, we will be equipped to handle it with the support of
our loved ones. Parents are faced with news like this every day, and much
bigger hurdles and devastation than we can even imagine. I know that we were
extremely fortunate to have the outcome that we did. But at the end of the day,
when it is your own child it doesn't matter how big or small the hurdle may
seem to the outside world, to you as parents it is everything. This was the
first time as parents that my husband and I had to face the fact that there was
a chance that our innocent child may have to face something very difficult.
With that awareness, we also realized that scares can happen at any point in
their lives. The reality and terrifying truth of the world is that at any given
moment you can be injured, fall ill or lose a loved one. Our child is
entering this world, and we as parents have to teach them about life- the good
and the bad.
I am now beginning my 20th
week of pregnancy, and the past 7 weeks have been wonderfully peaceful. I have
begun feeling my daughter dance in my belly and it is the most incredible feeling
in the world. Every time she kicks me, I squeal “She’s so cute!!” Last week we got to see her for the
first time since we first saw her heartbeat. We can’t believe how much she has
grown! She is this little human now with 10 fingers and 10 toes, little lips and
the longest legs which she likes to stretch out over her head. We are totally
head over heels in love with our little girl.
Since seeing the tiny
flicker of my daughter’s beating heart I have often thought to
myself, I can’t believe I am able to do
this… I can’t believe my body knows how to do this. Carrying a child is the
most powerful feeling I have ever felt. I am very aware that not every woman is
able to experience this, and I am eternally grateful that my body has brought
me to this point. My sweet little girl is my constant reminder that even when I
think I am having a bad day, it is really my best day yet because we made it
this far. I am so blessed and the happiest that I have ever been in my entire life. To know that in 20 weeks there will be this little girl who will be a reflection of my husband and I and a product of our love is mind-blowing. I know there is plenty still to learn on this
journey, but I am enjoying this moment
and the moments that have brought me to my halfway point. So although I can’t wait to meet our baby
girl, the wait will get more and more beautiful each day.
XO Krista
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